Just Having A Pint Lad – He swore he’d just come out for a “cheeky pint”, but several pints and a few vodka cokes later and he’s managed to shed those pesky inhibitions along with any semblance of self-worth. You can spot him by his glazed-over panicked expression and ill-judged kebab, resting so precariously in his clutches like a sad meaty cannoli, as he bikes back to Brockley.
“Tonight’s all about my girls” Girl – The gang’s back together, Kerry’s just had an operation and everyone’s celebrating the weekend! Each new round of mojitos brings with it a cackle of laughs and sorority-style pledges “not to wait so long before we do this next time!” A pounding headache the next morning and smudged memories of tearful rows with Jo-Jo the night before confirms why the gang don’t meet up so much now.
The Old Man – The old man is notable for his soaring years and willingness to get down when others aren’t. Join with everyone else in commending his spirit as he smiles and wobbles – inexplicably forever leaning further and further back, his jowls loose and red – to the sounds of Jamiroquai’s ‘Canned Heat’.
Nose Piercing Rave Girl – Almost every girl is this girl. It’s not so much a popular endorsement of rave culture as it is the all-pervasive draw of conformity. She was barely alive in the 90s, but that doesn’t stop her carrying a Tamagotchi round with her as a party piece.
EDM Bro – Fresh out of an afternoon “chest sesh”, EDM bro can be found shuffling his feet on the dance floor to Jamie Jones, like a ballet dancer just introduced to line dancing. Those of his ilk regenerate en-masse across the world.
Fresher Girl – Lovely and kind, fresher girl is a bit anxious and don’t she know it! She’s offered her flatmates a box of chocolates, decided the rest of her life starts now, and will soon resent her new mates something rotten. Doesn’t stop her from trying to enjoy pop chart bangers to appease her new surroundings.
World Music Wonda – Can be found at Whirl-Y-Gig, surrounded by unrestrained souls like her. World music Wonda is right there, a perma-grin on her face and miscellaneous hallucinogens coursing through her veins. She extolls the virtue of chlorine-free Rizla and mindfulness retreats.
Teetotal Terry – What’s he doing here? He doesn’t even drink; this must be awful for him surely? No, not for Terry, he loves it; everyone else might be barely passing as human at this point, convinced there are these systems that keep us apart, from reaching our potential. And there’s Terry, stoic and vertical, sipping on his cup of water.
Home Counties Kate – She moved back home to her parents Berkshire farm after uni but spends most weekends in the West End. What she lacks in edge she makes up for in diction. Her night out is the only time she sheds her body warmer and Jack Wills trackies.
Cool Girl – You’ll see cool girl, all in black, dividing her time between the DJ booth and her table. Cool girl makes you feel extremely small and irrelevant, but that’s why you ask her for a lighter in the smoking area; for that chink of recognition.
This article is part of a series on London’s nightlife called Who Blighted the Night? Tomorrow we will focus on why nightlife matters, including a video documenting how clubs changed Hackney, and an interactive timeline exploring the history of London club culture.